She.

Oh my goodness, this film just kind of personifies the mildly bad things about old adventure flicks. It isn’t… terrible… It’s just amusingly inane. It stars Randolph Scott, whose name I can’t say without drama due to a few too many viewings of Blazing Saddles, and who, for a brief while, wears a very nice suit. 

It also stars that chap who played Watson in the bad Sherlock Holmes series, who plays… erm, a bungling, dim-witted sidekick. 

His parents must have been so proud.

Anyhow. The story starts with Leo Vincey (Scott) coming to see his dying uncle, who tells him a tale of the ‘Flame of Life’, which he and Watson have discovered is probably real. He tells Vincey that he must trek out to find it. My first question here is: why? Is Vincey a scientist? An adventurer? What exactly qualifies him for this mission?

Never you mind that, for Vincey and Watson quickly depart for somewhere cold and stop by at the local Plot Point’s house for supper, and to procure the help of some local guides. Plot Point turns out to be an utter prat. And also a racist. And he treats his daughter badly. It is at this point I call out my bet that he will die within the next few scenes.

Sure enough, he gets smushed by an avalanche as he tries to hack through some ice to get at a bag of gold left by the less-fortunate (but remarkably well-preserved) companion of the first traveler to try and find the Flame.

Luckily, the avalanche also cleared the way to a cave-path through the mountain.

While passing through, our heroes (now with the ill-treated daughter in tow) are set upon by savage cave dwellers, who try and put a hot metal thingy on Watson’s head.

During this scene, and many thereafter, you may notice something significant about the cast. That is: They all have the intellectual quotient of a soggy parsnip. Really. They’re just dim.

But anyhow. Vincey gets hit on the head and swoons,

only to be saved by a group of fellows dressed in fashionable togas 

and brought into the underground city before the mysterious She. 

She (Who Must Be Obeyed) turns out to be a gossamer-clad immortal queen, who is played by the actually-quite-lovely Helen Gahagan.

Incidentally, this is the only movie Ms. Gahagan did in her entire career. Something of a pity, as she’s also the only character I came to like. Upon seeing Vincey, she proclaims that he is a reincarnation of her long lost love and tells him that she will reveal unto him the secrets of The Flame and take him as her king. Initially, Vincey is quite content with this offer and tells his compatriots to go on their way. But wait! Tanya (daughter of the plot point) hath become quite smitten with our intrepid hero! She attempts to sway him with rather non-tempting talk about how real love means growing old and dying together. A point, but badly made. 

To make a long story short, Vincey realises the wickedness of She’s ways after she tries to sacrifice Tanya, who approached her with a plea for Vincey’s freedom. They try to escape, only to bump into She in the room of The Flame itself. She repeats her offer to Vincey, who still seems a little tempted, but Watson and Tanya urge him against it, saying the fire might be a trap. In order to prove otherwise, She steps into the flames, only to grow older with each flash of fire.

All the while, she talks of how Tanya will eventually wither while Vincey remains young, and that he will no longer want her then. After the last burst of fire, she staggers to the ground, shriveled and ancient, and dies.

Ignominiously.

At this point, I’m staring at the television set with total bewilderment. Vincey, Watson (oh alright… his name is Holly in this movie.), and Tanya are back in London in the next scene, discussing their fabulous adventure and how no one will believe them.

Here, they theorize about how She met her demise. Perhaps, they say, the overexposure to the Flame’s radiation was too much for her. Or perhaps her existence was unnatural, and a higher power had ended it. This strikes me as cheating, somehow. I think the director decided to re-write at the last minute or something.

In the interest of fairness, this film did have some good points. The sets were really interesting, and the role of She was played rather well. With that bit over, here are the points of most confusion:

Why, why, why was everyone in this movie so dumb? Holly was just supposed to be some sort of comic relief, and I think Tanya was supposed to be naïve and pure, but Vincey? He was the hero! One rather assumes that he would be gifted with at least a knack for tactical decisions… Even She Who Must be Obeyed had some baffling lapses in judgement. Why, for example, did she not simply kill Tanya in some dark passage rather than trotting her out where she could be rescued? And how exactly did she not notice the fact that she was decomposing with unnatural speed in her last moments?

Also, the romantic plot with Tanya was just… Uncomfortable. She and Vincey had only known each other for about two days. When did she have time to fall so hopelessly in love? As well, their first real discussion involved Vincey making some awkwardly paternal remarks, and that set the whole thing off on the wrong note.

And finally, mulling over the plot now, I have to wonder why Vincey didn’t just accept She’s offer? You’re a man of science, for heaven’s sake! Couldn’t you imagine the possibilities? This woman has been around since before Christ and doubtlessly has a wealth of knowledge no one else would possess. Your time with her would also be basically unlimited! Think of the places you could see, and the events you could witness at her side!

But alas. He shuns her gauzy embrace for that of the waif with dubious emotional maturity.

In conclusion, I would encourage you to watch She with a few good friends, and laugh at its bemusing majesty.

Spin.

 

She is © 2006 to Legend Films Incorporated.